I do not know if you know, but it’s pretty complicated on the side of here. On my side, on the side of those who did not believe this here – we, you and me and plans – could roll again. My stomach wraps up just thinking of everything I swore standing next to would not live any longer. I do not know where to stick when I remember the times when I filled my face and promised – without crossing my fingers – that I would NOT cling so soon
Shit. I’m really bad at this “take a break”
Plans – I even tried, I confess. I took my pink calendar out of the closet, jotted down all the things I wanted to prioritize in my life. I thought of doing meditation, painting my hair in another color, going to an unusual place, totally changing my wardrobe. I even thought about starting to go to a coffee shop here every week just to get my pile of books up to date. I wrote thousands of little things, minus the possibility of getting involved again.
But then you came.
Plans – It was not meant to be anything, it was supposed to be just a casual date. At least that’s what I said to my reflection it would be. I promised it would only be a way out and then we would not talk any more, we’d leave behind a nice day and I’d go back to my novels. We were not meant to be, but we were. I ended up liking his kiss more than I should, and came to blame me on the way home.
Yeah, blaming me. Because before I even arrived, my cell phone had already whistled with a joke of yours, and I had already smiled at the screen in that same silly way. Exactly, I knew where I was getting myself. I knew that my nervous fingers would respond and that we would spend the whole dawn talking. I knew I would have to face my reflection in the mirror in the morning and apologize for being caught in the same story again.
I was not giving time to my heart, do you understand me? All the websites had inspired me to breathe a little without this whole thing about having someone. I knew it was right, that my body was really needing to heal a few scars. It was not for me to enter into another relationship – not that this is one, because it is not – it was not even for me to be close to someone else who has the potential to make me feel something.
Plans – But what have I done? The opposite. I ran into his arms! That seems so stupid in words, but so right in here, that I know I’m screwed. I do not even dare to see my schedule, because of time, I was very bad. I instead of deflecting, I chose to collide with you, with your delicious smell that was impregnated in my clothes, with your eyes that leave me completely hypnotized and with that mouth that – it is better to leave there.
I should not hold on, but it’s you. How can I not get attached when someone is as beautiful inside and as cool as you are? You are making my mission of staying cold and distant an impossible thing. More and more I lose myself wanting to find you. My heartbeat accelerates and I miss you. What the hell! It’s hard to try to pull away when you become so present.
I do not want to see myself again in love with someone, but for some reason I feel in all the cells that this time will not have a way. You appeared when I was unprepared, when I definitely did not want anything with anyone and suddenly, boom .. I do not know what I want, but I want you.
And I want to punch you for appearing, but at the same time, I want to kiss you for not leaving.
What the hell did you come to do next to me? You were not in my plans.